[Crow appears on the feed, dressed in his festive...red nose. That's it. Times are tough in this economy kids and even someone like Crow's feeling the hurt. But that doesn't stop the holiday spirit!
Anyhow, Crow's ready to kick this thing into gear.]
Well the Christmas season's upon us again (or if you're a certain trashcan the less important and embarrassing holiday Lifeday). But some of you must be wondering: what is Christmas? And like most of you, those people live under a rock.
Let me explain: Christmas is a magical time, a time of jolly fat men in red suits, Coca-cola product placements, and using the emotions of your loved ones to get what you want! But most importantly, it's a time we gather round and remember the reason Christmas even exists: Patrick Swayze. Yes, he's the bouncer of Christmas, guarding the north pole from the Martian threat until Santa is ready to deliver his presents.
And so to honor the Christmas spirit of Swayze, I have a little carol to sing. Normally Tom would sing this, but bear with me--and sing along if you want!
And now: 'Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas'.
( Follow the bouncing dot )
[So...getting disintegrated by Four.
That was a thing...and being a weird xenomorph ripoff, that was a thing too.]
You know, the afterlife is REALLY boring. So, guess all religions are wrong, even atheism!
Anyway, how are you guys doing? Cause anything I said a few ago? Totally wasn't me.
[Hey hey kids, you probably wanted a riebald anecdote about celebrity figures you don't understand? Well get out of here, because instead you have a faint hissing going through the comms, coupled with metallic clanging.
Is it a bit odd? Maybe! Does it possibly offend? There's a good chance!
But don't leave yet! Because here's an incoming text to wet your whistle on!]
you know what's my favorite thing about this place?
guess you'll figure it out sooner or later.
[And that enigmatic note ends with more scratchy metallic noice and hissing.]
[Wow Cybertron, how long has it been since Crow's bothered the network? A day or so? Well, Crow figures it's time he did it again.
The robot looks more worse for wear, if you define worse for wear as shell-shocked. Because shell-shocked describes the robot pretty well...among other words.
The robot stares straight into the screen until words finally manage to tumble out of his system.]
That was the worst date ever. Never ever EVER date a glove.
[That's all he needed to say before he flipped this communicator off. Anyone know what that was about?]
[The feed opens to Crow T Robot, standing in what looks like Nexu's quadrant. He carries only his VCR and his videotape. Clearing his throat, Crow tries to make himself look professional as possible.]
Hello, you may have or hopefully not have heard of Tarn. Boy, who would've figured he had a history?
Anyhow, as you may know, I have always remained unaffiliated in anyway with Tarn or people named Tarn or any similarities to the name. However, there are some who might disagree.
That is why I am going on the lam. Some of you might say this proves my guilt, but I respond with the inspiring words of Rutherford B Hayes: "It is only justice that has the courage to run away."
And so, I am doing the right thing and running away to an American embassy on Cybertron. I'm sure they have them here...I mean, America has embassies EVERYWHERE.
Anyhow, so long from the completely innocent and unaccountable Crow.
[Why it's everyone's favorite little irritant! Yeah, somehow he made it home alive. Guess the bones of funny are made of sterner stuff or something.
The little robot is rapping his long arms on the ground from all the excitement. If one didn't know any better, they'd think he just came back from vacation.]
Hey hey hey, guess who's back from the Badlands? That's right, me! You know, the travel brochures made them look waaaay different. Well, that and you guys made it sound like it was evil or something...
Some of you might say it was traumatic, but on a scale of trauma I'd rate it a...mild.
[He skirts offscreen to lug back into the feed what looks like very retro piece of tech. A vcr, to those who aren't initiated.]
Anyway, I brought a souvenir! It plays tapes and junk! I mean, you guys know what tapes are? For cryin' out loud, you guys turn into tape players!
But now think of all the movies we can play on this...oh my god, I can actually choose the movie. I feel like a god...
[He taps the vcr, which in return replies to Crow with a small rumble.]
Now, some people might use the word 'cursed' around this, but I don't believe it.
(Crow T Robot was a busy bot these days: doing PR stuff for Tarn (sleeping on the job), making fun of newbies, and getting inducted into the ranks of the Decepticons. You could say the things that happened to Crow in the past few days were horrifying, demoralizing, even disgusting. But you aren't Crow, so shut up. What Crow says goes as he shows off the new Decepticon symbol on his chest.)
Hey guys, check it out! Guess that means I'm an official cop now! I mean sure, it hurt a lot and I kinda glossed over half of what they said, but hey, I'm just glad to be given authority over all you people.
And it's all thanks to my friend/substitute father figure Tarn! That is why I've written a small rap in honor of him.
(In a few seconds Crow starts beatboxing with his mouth, a lame attempt at it, anyway.)
Yo! Unh! Crow represent!
Lemme tell you a story of the hood
My pal Darn he's so darn good
He's the guy with the voice
You....you got no other...choice! (Yeah)
He's the man with the plan
He's not from Iran
So if you wanna be hooked up
Be a cop like me, just look up
My buddy Tarn
(Hey there kids! It's Goldie the Golden Crow--actually no, it's just a golden duck-looking robot with a basket attached to his head. The robot fiddles with it before it comes on. Boy, this was sure a weird turn of events, huh? He was on the Satellite of Love and now some giant robots were telling him...something about a Cybertron, he didn't really pay attention.)
(The robot taps the screen with one of his spindly arms...before shaking it.)
Oh cool! This must be one of those video dating things. (AHEM.)
Hello, my name is Crow T. Robot. I'm a Pisces with a moon in Capricorn. What can I say about myself that first impressions can't say?
Well, I'm in marketing, I have a condo in Boca Raton. I was number seven in the Fortune magazine's Top Richest People in America! I am intellectual yet simple, progressive yet have old fashioned values, I am macho but I keep in touch with my feminine side, I'm gentle but a tiger if you know what I mean raaaaaaawr.
In short? I am everything you want in a bot.
If you're interested, call....well uh.....just look for the weird templ-ish place in the middle of a crater! I'll be waiting!