re_alignment | [Video]

[Crow appears on the feed, dressed in his festive...red nose. That's it. Times are tough in this economy kids and even someone like Crow's feeling the hurt. But that doesn't stop the holiday spirit!

Anyhow, Crow's ready to kick this thing into gear.]

Well the Christmas season's upon us again (or if you're a certain trashcan the less important and embarrassing holiday Lifeday). But some of you must be wondering: what is Christmas? And like most of you, those people live under a rock.

Let me explain: Christmas is a magical time, a time of jolly fat men in red suits, Coca-cola product placements, and using the emotions of your loved ones to get what you want! But most importantly, it's a time we gather round and remember the reason Christmas even exists: Patrick Swayze. Yes, he's the bouncer of Christmas, guarding the north pole from the Martian threat until Santa is ready to deliver his presents.

And so to honor the Christmas spirit of Swayze, I have a little carol to sing. Normally Tom would sing this, but bear with me--and sing along if you want!

And now: 'Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas'.

Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin.
And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing.

Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!

It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my ba-ha-haar.
I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!
I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.
I think that that right jolly old elf better make out his will, ohh,

Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.
And this can be the haziest...
This can be the laziest...
This can be the Swayziest
Christmas of them aaallllllllll!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Please, it was 2012 when I was there last. We celebrated Christmas. Just not with Patrick Swayze.

You're from the future? So uh, any good movies that year?

Beats me. I have not been to a working theater in... six years, about.

What've you been doing, joining the navy?

Living in the Exclusion Zone. The Navy is not my style.

Is that like the Forbidden Zone?

I do not know. What is the Forbidden Zone?

See when Charlton Heston traveled to the future he landed on a planet where apes evolved from man and the Forbidden Zone is the last part of the fallen human civilization aka the Statue of Liberty.

Well, if it is full of radiation and horrible mutants, it is not too different from the Exclusion Zone.

Wait. Isn't that a movie?

--oops you caught me, smart guy. Nothing gets past you.

From time to time. I may have not seen a movie in six years but I used to watch them.

Beggars can't be choosers and someone who's seen a movie is better than no one.

Are people that have seen the movies you know of that difficult to find here?

YES.

[Sobs.]

I guess I should not be surprised. I have been having similar trouble.

[How is he the only one that knows about the Exclusion Zone augh]

Perhaps we could change this, if we found some movies and something to play them on.

I have a VHS player if that counts.

I mean yeah sometimes it spits blood, but it works!

Your VHS spits blood? Are you sure it is a VHS player and not secretly a mutant of some kind?

No I just think it's haunted.

Maybe. Maybe we should exorcise it, though. Blood cannot be good for the tapes.

...is there even a robot exorcist here?

... you know, I am not sure. It is something to look into, though.

Tell me when you do, because I need to do my Linda Blair impression.

Excellent! Though it will not be right without the... pea soup, yes?

Hey-hey, now you're getting the idea! Maybe not everyone lives under a rock!

Well of course not all of us live under a rock.
A few of us prefer caves.

I am happy to provide! It does not happen very often.

[video]

uknowuwantmebaby - 2013-12-31 06:51 (UTC) - Expand