Karrie (Vandal) Norton (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
vandalization) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
re_alignment2013-01-02 05:56 pm
vandalization) wrote in re_alignment2013-01-02 05:56 pm
Entry tags:
[Voice]
So guys? Uh. Look. Two out of three of you are aware, but.
I guess while there's not some huge disaster going on we could talk about. Stuff?
I kind of have a thing. For all three of you. Surpriiiiise Percy... And uh. Look I know I kinda flipped out last time, but I'm starting to feel better and I'd like to discuss it.
I kinda got into this thinking all of you were an item, but I realized I was mistaken. That. Still doesn't change the fact that I'm really kind of into you all in a big way.
I just wanna know if I'm barking up the wrong tree or... yeah.
And before any of you say it, I don't wanna 'do better'. Can't change how I feel.
God fucking damn I'm so awkward.
I just wanna talk about it, I'm not saying you have to... do anything or make me happy or whatever, I just.
Haha, I guess I don't know what I want. I just want to get it out there, because it's been the elephant in the room for me for a while, you know?
Action
I had a feeling you wouldn't approve. Even if it was before...
[The jet's cooling system cycles, air passing roughly through his vents.]
There's an old custom between airframes, a method of aerial interfacing. It's not like standard interfacing. It's...a communion of sorts, a linking of flight systems. It's...indescribable. I've only experienced it a few times in my life...[It's a difficult thing to go into detail on, and he's not certain Drift would want, or benefit from it anyway.]
I needed to know him Drift. I needed to feel certain I could trust him...
[Flying with the Firstforged burned away the fog and reminded him that despite names and titles and myths and theologies, that in his spark the core of his beliefs were the same as Vector's. And more than that, it answered without doubt the question of trust.]
Action
[Not that Wing gave him the option.]
And now.
[All he wanted to do was feel special. He'd thought Wing had come here to tell him he was. Instead, all he was hearing was something he could never even compete with.]
Action
Drift look at me, please?
[Wing reaches out, imploring, wishing he could cup the silver face in his hands, wanting to meet those blue optics even if they're cold, hoping Drift will feel the warmth and sincerity in his field.]
As amazing as all that is Drift...I gave it up to be with you.
And I'd do it again.
[His gold optics flicker with a clash of emotions, fear and love fighting for dominance.]
That's how special you are to me.
Action
[It tastes like hypocrisy.]
How. [He shakes his head, trying to clear his thinking.] How do you think I'm supposed to react to this? [Because he has no clue. He feels angry and betrayed and not trusted and insignificant.] How is this supposed to make me feel-- ['better' he almost says, but he bites back the word, because obviously this isn't about him. Or how he feels.]
Action
[He falters, giving in to his fear.]
I thought that...knowing you're more important to me would mean...something. [Anything, at least. Clearly not.]
[He sags, as if a hope that had been keeping him afloat has evaporated out from under him.]
Drift...
I've always chosen you, wanted you, loved you. Even when you kept turning me away. Even when you said I could have others... And I chose to have none.
It's always been you.
[His face twitches, the fear seeping through the cracks, fear that he's broken something wonderful. That in the end, his life had always been the greatest thing he had given Drift. And that his love would never match it. He wants to look away, but he keeps Drift's gaze instead, optic shutters blinking rapidly.]
Action
Apparently not 'always' if you interfaced with Vector. For..months as you said. Apparently there was at least a little crack in that 'always' when you didn't tell me until now.
[He knows he sounds angry, but he can't help it. It's not the relationship so much, other than he couldn't compete with Vector and he can't do what Vector did--whatever that was, and Wing spent a LOT of time with the First Forged...alone. It was not being told. And unlike Perceptor, he hadn't been hard to find.]
[He turns, leaning his hips against the window frame, arms folded over his chassis.]
Anyone else I should know about while it's 'always' been me?
Action
You know I never gave up. You discouraged even my friendship in the beginning. For a while I wasn't certain you'd return my affections. But I never stopped caring about you, through all of it, even Vector. [He sighs.] I'm sorry that I didn't say anything. I considered it an act of faith, of reverence, not...romance. It wasn't until later that I realized others wouldn't understand or agree, most importantly you. It was a mistake. By that time you were so angry at the First Forged...I was afraid to bring it up.
It was easier to just end it when you and I got serious. [See?] You don't need to compete with him Drift, you've already won.
[That's a baiting quip, thrown out off-hand, or is it? His lipplates press tightly together: he doesn't appreciate the implication but how much ground does have left to stand on?.]
You sure you want to know that? [He waves a hand: no, might as just be out with it, at this point, could he really dig himself a deeper hole? His voice goes flat and dead, but judging by body language it's like ripping open an old wound, twice as deep.] My evil counterpart had an altercation with Blurr's during that mess with Trion's pages. They kissed, got a little handsy, then things escalated into assault and Blurr fled.
I don't know if that counts or not in your book, but he and I still can't speak without it being strained or awkward, if that's any consolation. [There's bitterness and shame there now, potently mixed. Unlike before, here is where he can't bear to meet Drift's optics, staring at some unseen point on the far wall with arms crossed tightly over his chassis.]
Action
[The taunting question is really the straw that breaks him. Because it means after all this, Wing can't be honest with him, Wing doesn't trust him. He scrubs a hand over his face.]
[And the details, less the details than the fact that Wing hid them from him, make it impossible to trust Wing. ]
Not 'they'. Not like it's someone who wasn't you. YOU. YOU and Blurr. [Primus how was he ever going to be able to face Blurr again? Much less Vector?]
[He slides downward, spaulders scraping two long gouges down the wall, as he curls forward, hugging his knees.]
Go. Just....go.
Action
[His voice is small, thin as a ghost, something like a fist tightening around his spark that strangles the words as they come forth...]
I don't...I don't understand. Please? Why this is so much worse? Where I went so wrong?
[The words struggle too weakly to have any accusation in them, begging only to understand.]
I-I'm sorry.
[His hands are out, beseeching, until Drift's next words come and he flinches back as if brutally struck, footplates scraping on the floor as he back pedals.] But Rung said--[His vocalizer cuts off the rest with tight static. It rears up from the dark recesses of his memory core, summoned by the accusation, the spectre of all that was wrong about that time. All that was wrong with him. There's a choked cry that he fails to muffle behind his hand as his back finds the wall, optics squinting shut as he tries to shake the thoughts from his mind, the other scrabbling to find the door.]