re_alignment | video || Trion's Lake

Entry tags:

brave police: j-decker | kagerou

video || Trion's Lake

[Here we have the police bird in his natural habitat. Standing by the lake in Alpha Trion's sector. He looks rather pensive and generally more upset than he usually does.]

I --

[And before he can explain himself, he catches sight of his reflection in the lake. Scrawled on the panes of his left wing are the words "SPACE FOR RENT". On the other wing, in equally bold, obnoxious writing is "APRIL FOOLS".]

[He stares. And then drops the Link in an effort to scrub the writing off with his bare hands, twisting around into a veritable knot of unhappy ninja robot.]

[Unfortunately, all this does is give the viewer a good view of the back side of each wing, on which is written ""POWER JOE WAS HERE :D". One word per wing pane.]

[And it's then, in a fit of avian frustration, Kagerou has the most mature response to life there ever was. He lifts the nearest heavy rock and throws it, as hard as he can, shouting:]

I hate this place!

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[Rung pauses in his cleaning as he listens, fingers a light touch not on Kagerou's wings as he can't..help but feel upset for the other.]

Kagerou, don't say that. There are plenty of individuals here that are glad you're here, myself included. I'm fairly certain that Kay wouldn't want anyone else here in your place either.

[Optics soft, his hand rests on the other's shoulder to squeeze it gently.]

Never doubt your worth to others. You may not have been meant to be apart of that team back home, but you're apart of the group we have growing here.

But it's the truth.

[And suddenly that bitterness, that loneliness, is back full force, and nothing he can do will push it back under a calm mask.]

I don't belong with them. I don't belong with your kind, either. Too young, they've said, too naive. They ask me why I don't know anything and nothing I say answers them well enough!

I'm trying to learn. I'm trying to understand. But no one will allow it, because I don't have a place.

[He knows, at least a part of him knows, how childish it might sound. But he can't bring himself to care. He hasn't let these feelings out before -- it just wasn't right to.]

[He folds his arms around himself.]

Kay accepts me. But I'll never be what she needs, either.

I'll never be human. I'll never be one of you. I'll never even be one of the Brave Police.

[Because they won't let me in...]

...But you're you, Kagerou, and that's all anyone should ask of you.

[Rung had waited a few moments before responding, going over what the other had said a few times in his head, adding it to the file he had on Kagerou piece by piece. His spark went out to the other and he wished, so much, that there was more he could do.

But the majority of it was up to Kagerou at this point. All Rung could do was try to guide him.

His hands fall away from the other's wing and he reaches out to instead touch the other's cheek lightly.]

You have a place, you just don't realize it, Kagerou, because you're caught in a web of the "I can't's" that you've interpreted from others. No single being can ever please everyone and it's impossible to be what everyone wants you to be.

You have to be what you want to be, what you know you can be and go from there. Others will accept you for who you are and those that don't aren't worth your time.

... being me isn't worth anything. I'm nothing more than a shadow -- it's even in my name.

[It's hard to believe you're worth anything beyond your immediate use, when that's all you know. When it's all that's been drilled into you since the moment you first became aware.]

[... Kay thinks otherwise. Rationally, he knows that. But the weight of sudden loses -- Perceptor, Soundwave -- aren't helping his already battered "heart".]

I don't know... what I want. What they want.

I just know what he wanted of me... and I don't know if I can do that.

[He can't help but murmur the last part, glancing at the Autobot when he's touched, his head slightly bowed.]

Kagerou...

[He can't help but move forward, arms going around the other in a tight hug because the urge was too strong. The other might be his patient but he also considers Kagerou a friend and he just--

The other looked like he could use it.]

You are so much more than a shadow. You're a friend to me and to Kay. A guardian to her. A protector to everyone here in Haven when they need you. Please don't beat yourself up or think that you're useless. Just because the path isn't clear to you right now doesn't mean you aren't on the right one.

[He squeezes just a bit tighter before drawing back slightly, hands resting on the other's shoulders.]

Do only what you think you can handle doing. Take it one step at a time, day by day. That's all any of us can do.

[Honestly, this has been a long time coming. He's literally shoved all of this aside for months. Maybe even since he arrived. Losing people... the issues with the police, the torn loyalties... now this? It just broke the walls down.]

[He holds very still, when there are, suddenly, arms around him. Then shudders. And leans into it, slightly.]

I... I wish I could see it. As you can. I wish I could believe it. That... I knew I've done... the right thing.

[His arms are still around himself, and one hand tightens over the Glyph on his arm. The significantly more intricate Gylph.]

[Forgive me... Shadowmaru...]

What if the steps don't go anywhere? What if... What then?

Then you pick a new direction. You can't give up. There will always be roadblocks and dead ends but you can't let it stop you from continuing to life your life, Kagerou.

[He squeezes the other's shoulders, optics soft.]

You are strong at your core, Kagerou, I can see it in you. And you care, which I think is the most important attribute one can have. Don't ever forget that.

I'm... I'm so afraid of doing it wrong. Of too many errors. I'm only an AI, I can't... do that and function.

[Operating under the assumption that someone here would try rewriting his code, and therefore, himself.]

[He shakes his head a little.]

Is... it possible to care too much? It hurts. It hurts so much with them gone. I don't think I'm strong, if it feels this terrible.

There's nothing wrong with caring too much, Kagerou. It means you truly do have a good core; that those around you truly do mean a lot to you. But you can't let yourself care to the point of forgetting about taking care of yourself as well.

[The therapist's optics soften again and he resists the urge to hug Kagerou once more, at least for now.]

We all make mistakes...that's just apart of what we all are, programmed not to make them or not.

Does it ever stop hurting, then? When they leave...? Knowing they're not there?

[That's part of the problem right now. Part of what's eating at him so badly. All the losses.]

[... and the one absence he can't seem to reconcile. No matter how hard he tries.]

No one can change your programming though. Can they? If you make too many mistakes, you don't have to worry about being overwritten.

There's always a lingering pain. But you can ease the pain by creating new relationships and good memories. You don't have to forget the bad--you shouldn't really. But don't let it dominate.

[Trust him, Kagerou, he understands, more than he's willing to admit.]

It..can be done to Cybertronians. [His expression is a bit dark in a way now.] I've seen individuals try many different things. But no one will do that to anyone here, not if I can help it.

It always comes back to that, doesn't it? New memories take their place... Always that.

[Never mind it's only been said to him once while he's been here. The mere fact that Shadowmaru said those words to him makes them feel so much more important.]

[He looks at Rung's face, finally, a little surprised.]

But you're... you're alive. How could someone do that to you?

But, like I said, the important thing is to hang onto those old ones as well. There's nothing wrong with starting fresh..but remembering the past helps us grow and learn.

[A sad smile touches his face when Kagerou looks at him, optics dimming slightly.]

As much as we are alive, we have programming and it can be altered in many ways. Some take advantage of that. Use individuals. Reprogram them for a new purpose...it's never pretty.

And... you believe that.

[It's not a question. He's more surprised there's someone who feels the same as he does. At least, regarding memories.]

I don't want to replace the old. No one has ever understood that.

[Or maybe he's just been confused as to what others wanted for him.]

Why would anyone do that to someone who was... someone alive?

Of course I do, Kagerou. After living for as long as I have, you learn to hang onto everything because it's all precious in some way. Or meaningful at least.

[Sure, there were things that Rung had tucked to the back corners of his mind but he never deleted them.]

...There were individuals back in my world that didn't care about others. They cared more for the results they could get and how it would aide them in war.

... Then thank you. For understanding.

[He means that. It's rare people do -- in his experience, anyway.]

They aren't here, are they?

You're welcome, Kagerou.

[Shaking his head, Rung gives the other what he hopes is a reassuring look.]

No--

[Well, wait, Prowl is here now..]

....No.

[The hesitation doesn't quite go unnoticed. He looks at Rung in silence for a few moments.]

...

What is it?

...It's nothing, Kagerou, I promise. Just...thinking about some things that happened back home.

[He doesn't want to point fingers, doesn't want to start anything but..Prowl being here makes him more uncomfortable than he has been in a long time.]

[He stares at him for a few moments longer, before he nods, somewhat reluctantly.]

All right... if you say so.

[There's a flicker of relief in his optics before it's gone just as quickly as it's there.

He'd rather not get into the story about Prowl right now..he just..really wouldn't.]

Everything's fine, I promise.

[He nods again, slowly, hesitantly. Something doesn't feel right, but he can't exactly figure out what it is. Maybe he's just being paranoid. Which is entirely likely, to be honest.]

As you say.

[But he won't question a promise. He can't do that.]

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video || Trion's Lake

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